Do you have cats? Even if you don't, I'm sure you've seen somewhere the scenario: cat toy on a stick, at the end of the stick is a fun little feathery or jingly thingy, you dangle it around, much to the delight of your feline friend.
If you tease an adult cat for too long and never let her catch it, she'll often just stop chasing it all together and just sit there, looking at you, yawn, indifferent. And just when you think the game is over and let your guard down, she'll strike with one of those claws and hook that thing right out of your hand. Cats are pros. Silly tiny kittens, not so much. If you really don't want to let them catch it, there's little they do about it. They'll leap around and pounce and just carry on in that fashion for what seems like an exhausting amount of time, and they're having fun, but they are never catching that thing.
Why is it that a guy I really, really really REALLY like the most is, tragically, not accessible to me? For different reasons, they're just someone God scratched off the "green for go" list.
Yes, there are lots of guys, tons, I know...but my favorites are on the stick--- I'm that stupid kitten! Go ahead, picture it in your mind. Imagine that crazy, fuzzy little black kitten just pouncing along, minding her own business, pleased with what she already has, and then a giant cat toy descending from above, dangling something that is just so incredibly perfect for her just out of reach.
This has happened a couple of times now. This is mean. What lessons am I supposed to be learning here? What did I do wrong to deserve such a lesson!? This skool sucks. T_T
With the right amount of chlorofoam, any man is gettable.
ReplyDelete;)
Seriously, though, disappointments in the romance department truly suck. Perhaps this ungettable man is not as ungettable as you think? As a woman with lots of experience in crushes, unrequited and all, and also conquests, may I offer any assistance or sage advice?
Ha, ha, chloroform! :D
ReplyDeleteThey are pretty un-gettable.
No, I guess the reason this is weird is that I'm just not used to liking someone that's so perfect for me that isn't available. I think I actually said out loud, "Hey, THIS is bullcrap!" LOL
I just don't have any experience in pursuit.
One, I'm introverted, I pretty much tend live in my own head/world and not notice guys until I'm really interested. And two, I don't flirt, and I've never even actually asked anyone out before. By the time I notice I like someone, we're sorta already there, if that makes any sense.
So, considering how much I mind my own business, I feel like this dangling the deliciously awesome unavailable boys I wasn't even looking for to begin with, over my head, is rubbing my face in how great they are!
Introverts are so cute. ;)
ReplyDeleteI am the opposite, and have done LOTS of pursuing. But I get where you're coming from on that, and it's definitely the less-distracted avenue. If there's more than one, though, so much the better- you can ask them ALL out. Muahaha. :)
Since you are an artist and kinda shy with the boys, why not express your attraction in words, by writing them a letter or email or something saying something along the lines of "I love hanging out with you, you're so much fun, I was wondering if you'd like to catch a movie/dinner/random activity with me sometime."
I think too much emphasis is placed on being cool and flirty and have a mystique. I say, go for it, balls to the wall (sorry, I know that's crass). It always just starts with one date, and so long as all you focus on is asking them out for that one date, it should keep things from making you feel overwhelmed.
Of course, if they are unavailable because they already have a significant other, then it's time to shake your first to the sky and move on. Hopefully, though, you're 'perfect for you' man is just temporarily unavailable, and is actually wanting to be with you and too afraid to make a move. *fingers crossed*
OMG typo city. *sigh* Sorry about all those.
ReplyDeletecurse that RDJ--CURSE him, i tell ya'.....
ReplyDeleteHa! *squeezes you* I'm so delighted that I have Beth on board for my boy griping. :D I wish we lived closer, we would soooo play together!! XD
ReplyDeleteBut oh noes, another Psych lecture everyone!! Everyone bored stupid by Psychology, turn away from comps now. :D
Forgive for rambling on, but I was just talking about this and it's bubbling over! Believe it or not I was JUST explaining this to Larry of all people. LOL So funny! Introverted and Shyness aren't the same thing.
Some people who don't spend a lot of time with me do actually think that I am shy, and I do understand why. Going down the list: most of the time I'm not chatty, I am totally non-boisterous, I dislike being studied or paid too much direct attention to, and in most circumstances I'm not a big sharer about anything and I am very private. But this is not because of shyness. Generally speaking, for both---Shyness is based in fear, fear of social interactions, whereas Introversion is actually just a lack of interest in socializing, no fear involved . LOL Shy peeps suffer anxiety when they have to engage socially, I have no such issues with people, male or female. Introverted people can be extroverted when they feel like it, sort of turning it on and off. Shy people for the most part aren't really able to do that, and struggle internally with overcoming social anxieties.
So of course one glaringly obvious exception to my introversion is, yep you know it Beth! Cons. :D The exceptions I can think of off the top of my head are cons, dance, and art related things. I LOVE to meet and hang with art peeps, dancers, and you KNOW how much I love cons. :D You just try to shut me up or pin me down at a con, it just won't happen. You'd pretty much have to sit on me. :D But I'd wiggle my way freeeee! Hee! XD
ReplyDeleteAnyhoos, yes, I don't have an issue with talking to men, it's just that I don't typically find myself having to engage them very often for the sole purpose of dating. They are just sort of there already. It only truly occurred to me a few years ago that I have never actually asked a guy out. Usually I am asked already. If that makes sense? Add to this the fact that I am, for better or worse, extremely selective. I think that's part of what intensifies my wanting to jump for the cat toy. Because I AM so selective, so what are the odds for the boy to have just about everything I like going on, just like that! How unfair!
Let me put this 'too awesome and dangling out of reach' thing in a different way, that perhaps will better give you an idea of what I mean...
Let's say you have just signed with a great publishing house, yep, you're on fire as a known author now and quite happy. Your editor and agent are friendly/friends, supportive, honest and trustworthy. You're given soft deadlines and they are just happy to get your manuscript when you finish, and you have quit your day job and are able to make a very comfortable and fun living as a bestselling author. Woot, you win!
Now that's Publisher #1.
Meet Publisher #2
They are wanting to offer several times more money for your work, but they do not expect you to compromise your style or work ethic, they also give you soft deadlines, are trustworthy and very honest and incidentally....as a form of stress relief they encourage their authors to pursue extracurricular activities. This particular publisher owns several orca sanctuaries and research programs all over the world and expects visits regularly by their authors. They also have a well-known, very diverse and adventurous fashion and health-beauty company, marketed at and primarily for film, costume and pin-up enthusiasts with curves. (The photos they use for the inserts of your books are the ones from your own personal fashion shoots from this company.) And a portion of all the company's proceeds go directly to a charity for girls and women of all ages, that focuses on positive self-esteem, self-awareness and self-help and provides girls and women all over the world, no matter what class or income level, with opportunities to attend lectures and workshops, including workshops featuring some of the house authors, free of charge to all attendees.
Unfortunately, this publisher can only sign one writer per year, and authors who are already under contract are off-limits, no exceptions.
Now, there is absolutely nothing whatsoever wrong with Publisher #1. Publisher #2 is F-ing freaking-your-mind-out-of-this-universe awesome, and there's no way they can sign you. Possibly never sign you. Ever.
Oh, BT...*shakes head*... I couldn't possibly curse RDJ. The father of my triplets.
ReplyDeleteAnd fortunately, men I haven't actually met face to face, with less than a foot of space between us, don't get on this list. :D
...*weep* I want BOTH agencies!
ReplyDelete:P
Thanks for the clarification...I have to say, not knowing why the boy(s) are unacheivable, it still sounds like something that can be overcome. Just think of them as Cons. ;)
Also, yay you for being selective! I wasn't, and it dragged me through a lot of muck. But I'm better on that, now.
Although, you being single for D*C just means more ability to run around and watch guys trip over themselves trying to impress you, to no avail. Muahahaha! Unless, of course, RDJ is there. And then it means I bring the duct tape and you bring the charm. :D
Seriously, though, if there's anything I can do to help with the boy situation, like making him less-unavailable/you more available, let me know. I am nothing if not an opportunist, and am happy to work my skillz to the greater good (of Rachel). :D
Also, I think you need to come across a man who is ten kinds of awesome AND is a bellydance drummer or something.
ReplyDeleteOh, I forgot to add in my post as I was rambling, YES the boys are taken. Quite. It's very sad. I'm extremely annoyed.
ReplyDeleteAnd of course you want both agencies, I would too! Who says you can't have both?! I'm a "both" kind of girl!
Actually, I take that back, I'm not. *shakes head* Not anymore...
But yes, now you see what I mean!
And YOU, girly, are way awesome at life lessons, you may have gone through some muck, but who hasn't come up against something that challenged us, and how else will we learn??? You are handling life in a kick-ass fashion, B.
Oh, there are always "complications", are there not? But I find when D*C rolls around I'm never sure what I will be. I think the general rule, "as long as everyone is on the same page" works just fine.
I don't want anyone to trip over themselves!... I would help them to their feet, and send them on their way. There's no shortage of girls at D*C! Go for it, dudes.
It's not that I'm against people trying to impress other people, it's more I'm not impressed by many males' usual method of showing interest, money and flattery. I understand that this really is some girls' thing, but that's not me. Initial attraction is important of course, but after that, things like character, personality and talent make an impression on me. That is what interests me! :)
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ReplyDelete"Unless, of course, RDJ is there. And then it means I bring the duct tape and you bring the charm. :D"
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I usually have a general idea of what I am going to do in a given situation, but I have to say I have no idea what I will do when I meet RDJ. It's possible that I may turn into one of Those Fans. It's possiible that I will take a running leap and jump up onto the front of that man, wrap my limbs around his torso and stay there. It will literally take like, a fleet of security, to disengage me from his person.
Unless... If Susan is there, and Susan tells me to let go of her husband, I will totally, reluctantly do that. Cause she got to him first. And she's got dibs. I totally respect that. (*cries*)
"Also, I think you need to come across a man who is ten kinds of awesome AND is a bellydance drummer or something."
OMG! One, that makes me super tingly, and two! little do you know, you have JUST described the relationship between Isa and Toby. :D Toby is Loki's brother, and you know those boys are YES, D.D. !! XD
hmmm--so much to add to here…..... :)
ReplyDeleteThis subject is an interesting one and cuts both ways--it can affect men similarly. And it's not for lack of taking the initiative--it's more due to the situational aspects, namely: the impossibility of distance and/or the object of affection already being taken.
I don't remember which philosopher said we know we're alive because we feel pain, but I think he was on to something. And the "complications" you mentioned--for certain people--enhance their existence. This kind of fascination with the unattainable has a tendency to repeat itself as well--and the suffering brings a certain amount of pleasure. It's hard though when there's no 'off button' for this. Hopefully though, time & experience bring wisdom and we learn how to moderate things.
The model's that you mentioned of males' usual methods of showing interest--money and flattery--are generally thought of by men as things that women desire. It's very cool that they're not your thing, but a lot of men may not expect that. You can't totally blame them for getting this wrong--a large chunk of the female population actually enjoys these methods. If for you--after initial attraction--character, personality and talent make an impression on you and interest you, then that's refreshing. Those are the kind of traits that the kind of men that interest you will pick up on and respond to. Although there's not much I can say about those kind of men who additionally are taken--
--but you can't have it all, right? ;)
For the record, I'm not down with the "usual" way of men coming on to me, either. Mostly because it's so obviously about sex, to the exclusion of most else, and I don't roll that way. Also, because I've heard all kinds of flattery before, even really good stuff, and I'm not such a wilting flower that it impresses me anymore. Now, on the other hand, a man who is *creative* about getting my attention automatically has a leg up.
ReplyDeleteI don't think Rachel has an attraction to the unattainable, per se, given her selectivity. The unattainable is fun to dream about, because you never get cold, hard, disappointing reality. But there's also the angst that comes with wanting to explore an opportunity and not being able to, by standard social convention.
The good thing is, all relationships are temporary. So whether these guys are married, dating, in seminary, whatever, it doesn't mean they are forever out of your reach. Only for now. And, given how Fate works, I'd bet that as soon as you move on and cast your eye elsewhere, at least one of them will suddenly become available.
No worries if you glomp RDJ. I'll politely explain to security, and Susan, that you have a rare condition that only allows you to breathe around exceptionally attractive and successful men, and therefore you are hugging RDJ for the sake of staying alive. :D
So when do I get to read more DD? Cuz it sounds like I could work up a healthy crush on Toby. Or Loki. Muahaha.
I think D*C will be a blast, regardless. I fully plan to be taken by then (by the same man I'm datingish now), but I'm also wanting to do that pinup girl cosplay and dance and whatnot. Yay boundaries!
By the way (did I tell you this before?), thanks for opening an etsy shop! As soon as my finances settle....muahahaha!
Gah, I don't know whether to start a whole new post, or continue in this comment fashion. Bloggy only allows me 4,000 or so characters. :D I'll just have to post in parts again! XD
ReplyDeleteOh, just to be clear, the "complications" I spoke of was in reference to Beth's and my relationships, and also in relation to DragonCon. :D I wasn't referring to the ungettable-cat-toy issue.
I don't have any fascination with the unattainable though. I don't think "this thing is impossible for me to ever have" and then choose to expend energy towards trying for that thing*. I'm just not that kind of person I don't guess.This is very specific thing that has happened, and I suspect/hope, isolated incident(s). (*celebrity crushes do not count)
I think there's a couple of issues here--a general 'how to hit on someone' thing and another thing about a person's character.
Here's what I think... The reason men generally think the Money/Flattery model is one women desire is because A: SOME women do B. The media/society preaches this is the absolute truth and C: It is a 'uncomplicated/path of least resistance' way of thinking.
I don't blame them for being wrong, I hold them responsible for their own laziness, and simply do not reward that behavior.
Another example of easy/fake: I've seen people, like overnight, go from 'ballers' to 'sensitive guy'. When the Sensitivity thing hit pop culture, and all the shows and magazines and experts were stressing the importance of the "sensitive male", suddenly guys' approach changed from "hard" to "Sensitive Guy". Now, if there's one thing I don't like (and there are a few), that's the Fake. I don't care if it's just guys trying to pick up girls, I don't like lying and fake people. If I'm to believe this person--yesterday you were a jack-off. Today, you are Mr. Sensitive. No, not at all, it's just that on that day, it was more popular to appear more sensitive to a person's feelings, thereby making yourself more appealing/attractive. In truth you still don't give a crap, and you're still a total jack-off.
This has unfortunately happened time and time again to girls I know, who think they've gotten going with one thing, but end up with something else entirely. I had one person tell me, after she'd gotten knocked up, dumped,and fired from her job due to an almost-fight with this guy's other girl at the same company, as we were talking on the phone, "Rachel, I should have listened to you." in regards to this guy. I don't know really know what I'm supposed to say to that after all the damage is done and she is in tears. I mean, she was totally into this guy but I could clearly see that he was not the way to go. I sensed most of what I needed to know about him from the few couple of meetings with him. I mean, I guess it's like a superpower, I pretty much know when somebody's a manipulative d*ck and/or when they are lying to me. I tried to give her some hints, but maybe I just was just too vague. I really didn't want to hurt her feelings, since she really happy with him. But I should have just said "Hey, NeNe, I know you like this guy, and he's given you money and romanced and flattered you and been really sensitive to your needs, but he's a total d*ck. So uh yeah, might wanna not jump on that."
I know what some may be thinking, "OMG, we can't win! What is a man to do to get women then??"
ReplyDeleteHow about not thinking of us as a sport...and how about something not out of the garbage, like Maxim or Spike's Guide to HookUps.
I think if a person wants to insert their genitalia into the body of human being, they should jump through a hoop or two. Go off script, make an effort.
I will add in fairness that there are some women who don't care about any of this. They just want some free money and a hook up.
And I have known my share of male friends who have regretted their choices after acquiring post-hook up drama, including some newly acquired "baby mama drama". Hey, people, sometimes you get what you asked for.
Like the man said, you can pay for school, but you can't buy class.
Wow, Beth, you just totally beat me to saying all of that! You took the words right out of my mouth. It is so obviously about just sex. Unfortunately so many women are exacerbating this "women just love money and that's how you get'em" mentality. Hip hop culture for example is ripe with this garbage, lots of media is. I've seen it with my own eyes; some guy flashes his "wealth" and the girl's clothes practically fly off. I see the same guy and think "please get away from me, you make me feel gross.".
ReplyDeleteI don't know, I'm just wired differently.
I will clarify this point, I'm anti-Money and Flattery-only-as-a-means-to-get-into-your pants.
I know for some women, money is equated with success. Success is equated with being self-suffcient and strong.
I'm behind the latter part of that, I DO appreciate a self-sufficient and resourceful guy, that is a type of strong point/strength. That's not the same thing as "look! look at how much money I have!! will you go home with me?!"
And I DO appreciate compliments. Who wouldn't appreciate a compliment given without an ulterior motive, I compliment people, both men and women all the time, because I really mean it, not because I want something from them. Complimenting is good...I just don't take every compliment and nice thing a man says to me as a reason to get excited. Men have been flattering girls for a very long time, and a lot of it is done with ulterior motive and all sounds like the same recyled stuff, so it just becomes background noise. This may be sad, but true.
OMG, I just remembered...Chris Rock had a bit from one of his shows once that was really popular, when he's talking about men and women and sex and at one point he says "It's different for you women, you've been turning down d*ck since you were twelve".
THIS is accurate. For many girls, and also for myself. Perfectly accurate. The problem with many males is that they will say or do anything to get laid. Whenever you have someone who has a goal they are trying to reach THAT hard, you simply cannot put a lot of trust in anything they say, because for them it's merely a means to an end. And like you said, to the exclusion of everything else.
The only exception to the flowering with compliments thing for me, is boys I already adore. :D They can say whatever they want to me, I'm already in! :D *sigh* Luvs them...seriously, I just eat a couple of them right now.
Oh, you so called one on seminary school. XD Hee.
But yes, I'll just have to continue to do my own thing and see what fate has in store for the boys. I'm totally willing to wait, I'm very patient. :)
Gah, hugging RDJ for the sake of staying alive!!!! I love it. Hey, you do know it's Countdown to Sherlock around here... :D The triplets are kicking.
That Etsy is going to be so lonely. I can already feel myself neglecting it! :D But it's still a good place for me to put tiny things. I blame Dia de los Muertos for starting it. :D I think some costuming accessories are going to end up there, too.
I cannot wait to get some more of the D.D. to you! After I finish this Ari and Bruce painting, I'm working on getting back to that. :) Oh, I think you'd love Toby. He is cutely introverted. Well, compared to his brother. XD Ha, ha, they are so pretty. :D
I tried to find that Chris Rock bit on YouTube, but couldn't, only a partial transcript. It's from his Bigger and Blacker show, goes something like this:
ReplyDelete...'Cause every woman in here,
ever since you were [age missing, I think he said twelve]
every guy you met
has been trying to f**k you.
That's right.
Women are offered d*ck every day.
Every woman in here...
gets offered d*ck at least three times a week.
Three times a day, sh*t!
That's right,
every time a man's being nice to you...
all he's doing is offering d*ck.
That's all it is.
''Can l get that for you?
How about some d*ck?''
''Could l help you with that?
Could l help you to some d*ck?
''Do you need some d*ck?''
''Do you need some d*ck?''
---Chris Rock
LOL...comment avalanche! ;)
ReplyDelete"I mean, I guess it's like a superpower, I pretty much know when somebody's a manipulative d*ck and/or when they are lying to me. "
So, do you hire this service out? Because I could cut out a lot of wasted time if I just had you meet every guy I'm interested in before I start dating them, and get your impression of them. ;)
"Like the man said, you can pay for school, but you can't buy class."
This, I love. :)
And you are so dead-on with this whole thing. I had a guy trying to impress me in a Godiva retail store last week by telling me how much he spent on presents for his mom and dad. It wasn't obvious enough for me to be able to just laugh in his face (I don't enjoy being rude, really), but it was definitely not subtle. So I just nodded and rolled my eyes when his back was turned. Because, as you said, money does not make one strong, self-sufficient, good, or wise.
And yes, the compliments thing as a means to an end...it's sad, and frustrating. My default now is to politely respond to, but never believe, compliments. Because so much of them in my life have been a tool to charm me into someone's bed. Boo to that. But I've noticed other women who are not close to me seem to feel awkward if I compliment them on, say, a body part. Shoes, no problem. Eyes, or arms, or legs, or voice, and they get wierded out.
Good luck with the delivery of the triplets! And enjpy the movie. :D I look forward to your review of it...
And, of course, to etsy (you say "costume", I hear "joy for sale!"). :D
Thanks for the Chris Rock bit...it's true, and sad. And men wonder why we sometimes get a little nuts trying to figure them out! It's not that you're all deep and mysterious, guys- we're trying to ascertain whether you just want a one night stand, or sex with a bit of time/commitment. ;)